06 April 2016

It's about Relationship.

I first read this article not long after I had learned who Chris Tomlin is, and got such a kick out of getting that joke. :) (And if you haven't read it, do take the 120 seconds and do so.)

In all seriousness, though, that post is dead on. There is no predestined "ONE". When I chose, the man I choose became "MY ONE", and there's nothing that has blessed my life more, in more ways, than the constant pursuit of one-ness with my husband. He is my One--because I chose him. And because he chose me.

This time through this post, this quote jumped out at me:
""God’s plan is for us to be made more holy, more like Christ… not marry a certain person. (This advice was also used when I asked what college God wanted me to go to, accompanied I think by, “God doesn’t want you to be an idiot, so go somewhere you will learn.”)"
As I grew up and went to college and got married and stuff, I was so pleased with myself for picking "THE college" God wanted me to attend, etc. My entire life was neatly laid out in "rights" and "wrongs", and it was my job to do what my CTR ring reminded me: "CHOOSE THE RIGHT". It was a game of "What does God want me to choose?", instead of "How would God want me to love?"

Enter babies and moving and life and adulting. Oy vey. I kept desperately searching for the "right" thing to do, so I could be doing God's will and be truly happy.

That didn't work out so well.

You see, it was always my fault for not getting it right.

I remember folding laundry one day in 2006, more miserable than I think I've ever been in my whole life. I couldn't figure it out . . . I was doing everything RIGHT. Or, at least everything I knew to do. I even begged Heaven, in a moment of less-than-ideally-stoic "weakness": "What am I doing wrong??? Why am I not happy???"

The answer didn't make sense for many years, but it came so clearly, so solidly, yet more gently than I'd heard words spoken, I think, in my entire life:
"Maybe it's not your fault".
That simply didn't compute--the idea that I shouldn't blame myself for being unhappy, that there wasn't a sin I could correct and then unlock heaven, made no sense to me. According to my thinking, I should've been able to identify what I was doing wrong, fix it, and then I could feel the love of God again, could receive the blessings He promised me of a happy home and children that love Him.

But now, I can see it wasn't about getting it right, at all. It really wasn't my fault--meaning I couldn't blame my own wrongDOING for being so unhappy. I was rejecting what God was always willing to bless me with--His love and His spirit--that would have lifted me out of my circumstance and made me more than a conqueror through Christ Jesus.

It's not about getting it "right". It's all about getting to know Jesus, about building relationship with Him, and learning to be filled with His love so we can lavish it on others.

That is so liberating, so empowering. Life isn't some crazy game where we are matched up against God to see how much we can get right.

It's about learning to have His heart.